michellefelt

I ran three times last week.

In my quest to love running or at least like it enough, I decided I needed to look at it in a new light. My current state of mind is that I’d like to do any other cardio activity first before I would even consider the slow torture of a run.

Give me cycling. Jumping on a rebounder. Seven minute HIIT workouts. Anything.

The problem is that I see people running, like all the time, especially when I’m cycling, and they look like they’re enjoying it. I could be imagining it, but I think the large majority of them do like it. And they’re fit.

So it also seems like the easiest way to lose that extra 20-25 pounds and maintain the weight loss. Especially when I love food and blog about food and am always creating recipes.

The big question.

How can I finally like running too? How do I push myself to keep at it and get through the painful part. The hopeless part.

During my second run last week (I’ve been using the Ease into Running app) I began wondering if running was like cutting.

For the record, I’m 32 and haven’t cut since I was twenty or twenty-one. I used to cut pretty regularly in high school. I saw a friend do it and was fascinated. At the time it provided a way for me to feel control over circumstances in my life. I was in control of inflicted pain. I was in control of how deep or dark it went.

Looking back, I understand that wasn’t really control, but also that was the only skill or tool I knew that gave me the release I was looking for.

I’ve never regretted that I chose that route, but I am grateful I outgrew it.

It’s true I outgrew cutting, but I’m not so sure I outgrew the impulse that causes it. I think I transferred it to a mix of overeating and tv watching. Both food and escape into a different universe provide a cathartic effect, the same as I found with cutting.

I feel more control over my life than I did as a child. Maybe that’s why the severity of the action is more subdued??

Food and TV for as innocent as they are still have negative results.

Food when eaten beyond the limits of caloric and nutrient necessity contributes to weight gain, alters the natural state of hormonal balance, and contributes to higher cholesterol and myriad of other health issues.

TV watching often charges my creativity, but if I don’t do anything with that creativity it’s a lost charge as well as lost time. Time that I could’ve been doing a million other productive things that directly allow me to grow as a human.

I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, but because of cutting and the end of an era, I definitely feel like I avoid pain compared to my younger self.

Comprehending the enjoyment of running means that I have to tolerate and like the pain that comes with it. That muscle and lung pain that starts when my body is pushed beyond comfort.

It’s hard to think about enduring and enjoying that discomfort when I’ve tried so hard to avoid it, but if I’m even a little honest, there was a teeny shimmer of excitement that ran straight up my spine when I first posed the question.

Running is totally socially acceptable. Cutting is not.

Thinking of the two synonymously might get me excited to endure the pain and push through it. I want that to eventually change though.

I don’t want running to be a negative thing.

I want it to be a healthy, healing, renewing, and positive thing.

So does intention determine all of that?

Pushing through.

Listening to Depeche Mode on rdio.