Reminders

If shitty human beings, less than desirable humans, and just regular people who make mistakes weren’t allowed to have children, well, none of us would be here.

We won’t get into a pissing contest of who had it worse. Though we could probably have some good laughs and head shakes. Plus, I’d have to wear one of those female cups so I could stand and piss trying to get some distance instead of splattering all over my own legs.

Beside the point.

You can still be a really cool human being despite your early circumstances. You don’t have to repeat the cycle. You got off that track a long time ago.

Maybe you know this already, maybe you’re just hearing it for the first time, it’s something I would like you to know.

Even though you know this you might have to remind yourself of it every once in awhile.

Sometimes, more often than other times.

And don’t worry, we both know that the traits you deem admirable about yourself came from intelligence assessing your circumstances plus your own sweat and determination.

Remember that if you like yourself, you have to accept that all the things you went through made you who you are today.

Are there still things you don’t like about yourself?

Well, you’re an adult now and that’s something you have 100% control over to change.

Every day is a new day.

It’s Time to Ugly Cry, Jonathan Crombie Passed Away

When I learned about it a few days ago I was sobbing uncontrollably. It was an ugly, painful, and soul-crushing cry.

My husband wanted to console me over the loss of my first real-person crush as opposed to my previous crushes. Think Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks (the 80s version) or Michelangelo from TMNT.

He kept trying to hug me and be sweet, when I just wanted to be sad and cry and feel the pain of losing one of my longest loved actors and literary characters.

Because in a way, they are both lost now.

Wanting to type this out of my heart, I thought I had numbed the pain.

I thought I was over it, but I’m clearly not.

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The ugly cry has returned.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a brief synopsis. My first experience with binge-watching TV happened when PBS had their seasonal pledge drive. Anne of Green Gables would play back to back interrupted every so often via pleas for money.

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The Anne series was based on the also famous book series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. TBH I didn’t read the books until a few years ago. My Anne/Gilbert love was completely Kevin Sullivan/PBS-based.

sunburstAs a child I clung to fictional characters and their world as a means of escape. Anne’s world was one of my favorites. I would troll our seven channels every weekend over winter and summer break just hoping for it to be on. At some point I discovered I could rent the VHS tapes from my library.

I discovered my bad eyesight while watching Anne

I remember it distinctly. I was sitting in the recliner feet up and blanket on. I’m pretty sure I was sick with a head cold and Anne was playing at the other end of the room. I was seeing Anne and the living room how I always had. It seemed normal for me. But then I saw my Dad had left his glasses on the side table before he went outside in the rain. I thought it would be funny if I put them on and so I did.

HOLY SHIT.

Is this how things look? Is this how people see? WHAT?

Everything was so crisp and vibrant. Imagine editing a photo and sliding contrast/sharpness/saturation all the way up. That’s what those few seconds felt like.

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Hello Gilbert. I mean I liked you before, but now that I can see you. My heart.

I kind of forgot about Gilbert—I mean only a little—when high school came along. Anne of Green Gables was still one of those things I happened to watch once or twice a year.

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Then in my mid-twenties I realized I could ‘stalk’ old crushes on the internet and see what they were up to. Meghan Follows still acted did Jonathan?

Thanks to a little googling circa 2006ish I found Jon was in a Broadway production of The Drowsy Chaperone. And it was playing in Chicago later that year.

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And I WENT. I dragged invited my fiancé and two friends. It was great! I mean it was amazing to see Jon on stage doing what he loved. I don’t remember how much I actually loved the story or singing, it was more about seeing part of my childhood irl as an adult.

My sympathies and heartfelt sorrow to everyone who lost a little bit of their heart the other day. Internet hugs for you. xx

Is Running Like Cutting?

I ran three times last week.

In my quest to love running or at least like it enough, I decided I needed to look at it in a new light. My current state of mind is that I’d like to do any other cardio activity first before I would even consider the slow torture of a run.

Is Running Like Cutting?Give me cycling. Jumping on a rebounder. Seven minute HIIT workouts. Anything.

The problem is that I see people running, like all the time, especially when I’m cycling, and they look like they’re enjoying it. I could be imagining it, but I think the large majority of them do like it. And they’re fit.

So it also seems like the easiest way to lose that extra 20-25 pounds and maintain the weight loss. Especially when I love food and blog about food and am always creating recipes.

Is Running Like Cutting?The big question.

How can I finally like running too? How do I push myself to keep at it and get through the painful part. The hopeless part.

During my second run last week (I’ve been using the Ease into Running app) I began wondering if running was like cutting.

For the record, I’m 32 and haven’t cut since I was twenty or twenty-one. I used to cut pretty regularly in high school. I saw a friend do it and was fascinated. At the time it provided a way for me to feel control over circumstances in my life. I was in control of inflicted pain. I was in control of how deep or dark it went.

Looking back, I understand that wasn’t really control, but also that was the only skill or tool I knew that gave me the release I was looking for.

I’ve never regretted that I chose that route, but I am grateful I outgrew it.

It’s true I outgrew cutting, but I’m not so sure I outgrew the impulse that causes it. I think I transferred it to a mix of overeating and tv watching. Both food and escape into a different universe provide a cathartic effect, the same as I found with cutting.

I feel more control over my life than I did as a child. Maybe that’s why the severity of the action is more subdued??

Food and TV for as innocent as they are still have negative results.

Food when eaten beyond the limits of caloric and nutrient necessity contributes to weight gain, alters the natural state of hormonal balance, and contributes to higher cholesterol and myriad of other health issues.

TV watching often charges my creativity, but if I don’t do anything with that creativity it’s a lost charge as well as lost time. Time that I could’ve been doing a million other productive things that directly allow me to grow as a human.

I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, but because of cutting and the end of an era, I definitely feel like I avoid pain compared to my younger self.

Comprehending the enjoyment of running means that I have to tolerate and like the pain that comes with it. That muscle and lung pain that starts when my body is pushed beyond comfort.

It’s hard to think about enduring and enjoying that discomfort when I’ve tried so hard to avoid it, but if I’m even a little honest, there was a teeny shimmer of excitement that ran straight up my spine when I first posed the question.

Is Running Like Cutting?Running is totally socially acceptable. Cutting is not.

Thinking of the two synonymously might get me excited to endure the pain and push through it. I want that to eventually change though.

I don’t want running to be a negative thing.

I want it to be a healthy, healing, renewing, and positive thing.

So does intention determine all of that?

Pushing through.

Listening to Depeche Mode on rdio. 

Danny Screwed Up. Did Santigold Save the Day?

I caught up with the season three finale of The Mindy Project and just when I felt like writing off one of the main characters for being an ass, a super heroine—in the form of song—swooped in and saved the day.

The scene changed and Santigold’s L.E.S Artistes started playing.

The music so quickly and effortlessly entered my bloodstream. I didn’t know the song—shameful—so I had to google the lyrics.

How is it possible I never heard this mystical etherial song before? It’s from 2008. Seven years ago. Displaying the biggest sad face ever.

Maybe the song gods will forgive me if I listen to it on repeat for 48 hours straight.

What a Teenager’s Room Looked Like in the Late 90s

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This is kind of a time capsule post. I just came across these photos in a folder. On a hard drive. Why not vomit them onto the interwebs?

This is what my late 90s room looked like.

When pictures were taken with disposable cameras because your family didn’t own a real camera.

For starters, I was OBSESSED with The Offspring in high school, but if I share a few more photos I probably won’t need to tell you that.

Cds were important as well as a big boom box. Now I can put my iPhone in a bowl and jam out to 100+ albums or unlimited albums if I listen through Rdio.

I smoked off/on for a few years in high school and I used to have the woman I babysat for buy me cartons, which I then gave/sold to friends and kept the remainder hidden behind one of my dresser drawers. #teenagesecrets

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I drew, oil pasteled, and color penciled Offspring artwork. This is around the time my skull obsession started. Btw, it’s still going strong seventeen years later.

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I also cut things out of magazines. Like the absolut ads in the previous photos, most of those were stolen from library magazines. With a razor blade.

My room circa 2000_0002More Offspring. Prom flowers. Beta food. Movie ticket stubs.

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There was also a lot of Star Wars. This was around the time of the remastered releases to the theaters. I also had a 20+ troll collection. My favorites were from Russ.

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I had at least 4 Offspring posters and almost every inch of my walls were covered. When I moved out it was pretty crazy taking down all of the clippings. I think I threw most of them out at the time or saved them for a few years before recycling them.

1.xx.96_0005I few years before Offspring arrived, I had a Keanu corner sprinkled with a little bit of Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick.

1.xx.96_0004Yes. You’re seeing that correctly, a Johnny Mnemonic poster alongside A Walk in the Clouds.

My room circa 2000_0003More skulls.

How was your room decorated as a teenager of the late 90s? Can you relate to my ocd-style of decorating?

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